Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New years resolution

                                       New years eve...It's that time of the year... 

 The day we look back and ask ourselves: what worked, what didn't?  How to move forward...where to make adjustments, what changes do I want to make?

I know what I want to change.   
 My relationships....My communication skills. 
 I want to improve must start the journey with the first step...fearlessly.

Most think about New Years Resolutions in terms of...
*quitting________(fill in blank with...smoking, coffee, chocolate, sugar, etc.),
*going to the gym more
*eating healthier
*spending more time with family and friends
*losing weight

I think they are all part of a much bigger goal for me...

   I started thinking about where all of these ideas stem from.  I think in terms of systems, not believing in the idea that behaviors are separated or that one behavior does not contribute to another...
  I decided they are all part of a much larger goal for me, and as I make some really big changes that help me to develop more intimate relations with myself as well as among friends and family, all the other stuff will eventually work itself out.
  I believe they all complement each other.
  A human life is about learning as far as I'm concerned. 

  It's my one and only chance to be me and then it's over. So, I hope to be as me as possible, true to myself and show up honestly.

The name I was given at birth, Vera,  is pronounced VEER-ah. It is of Russian and Slavic origin, and the meaning of Vera is "faith". Also sometimes associated with the Latin word "verus" meaning "TRUTH", and can also be derived from Albanian "verë" meaning "summer"


 I've had some very tough times over the last  5 years, and I mean huge, life changing events, traumas and lessons. I started doing some very deep inner work around the same time, 5 years ago and have experienced some pretty humbling lessons, for which I am so very Grateful.
Everyone has a similar list, this is mine...
2009    Divorcing after 10 years of marriage and becoming a single mom of 2 kids.
2009    My mother being diagnosed with lung Cancer and dying within 3 weeks (misdiagnosed,  over medicated and her condition handled carelessly, dying, when they should have been helping)  
2010    Losing my great Aunt Vera at 98 (my namesake)
2010-2011 Nearly losing my home and business to foreclosure and fighting to keep it. The stress of this was unbelievable.
2011    Rewarding myself (for the very difficult years I'd been experiencing) by going to France with my kids, using surprise trust money that came from my Aunt Vera's estate,  just at the right moment following  my victory to keep my house by way of modification after shaming the banks.
2012    Regrouping and recovering from the previous years
2013    Taking a huge risk to completely revamp my business and go in another direction.
   On top of all that add the HUGE daily stresses that come up, unexpectedly. And we just have to do our best. It's all we can do.

   Any and all of these can cause a person to have some pretty difficult emotions, anxiety, depression, a rush in adrenaline, poor sleeping habits, fear, moodiness and general lack of clear thinking. Unless you are SUPERHUMAN or highly medicated, any combo of these would cause people to act in less than perfect ways.
   I've lost friends, burned bridges and made some enemies along the way.   BUT... I have learned  the true meaning of compassion. I now see others fears, challenges, hurts and wounds much more clearly now. I'm far less judgemental about others behaviors, as I have now walked the lonely road, having been judged so harshly for human mistakes and imperfections.
  I have built bridges, maintained important, valuable, long term friendships with those who know who I really am. I have Learned much more about myself, what I want, who I am and have built a much stronger foundation. I have laughed, cried, healed, forgiven myself for my imperfections which also allows me to forgive others for their imperfections, judgements and see the human as it truly is. Flawed.     And... Evolving.

  Which is why I'm writing an open letter to anyone and everyone to take responsibility for my part for any harm I have directly caused you.   If we have had personal it friends, family, homeschooling, romantic, working, gardening, neighborly, school, classes, workshops, or community...(not limited to this list)

   Please accept my sincere apologies. I never intended to cause harm. I am human and act as one, therefore I make mistakes that may cause others harm, unintentionally. Typically, this happens by taking care of others  needs before my own, inadvertently causing direct harm to myself , because I did not take pause and ask myself questions as to how the decisions and choices I am making will affect me, my family or my friendships... 
  How do I go forward and make corrections?  By being willing to look at and learn from my mistakes, take responsibility for my own part, forgive myself and try to make better choices and decisions. I'm bound to be imperfect.
    Forgiveness first comes about by from forgiving oneself, and that is what I am doing right now. Through the new year and for years to come, asking myself for forgiveness for my mistakes and then asking you (the big collective, the world) And then trying my best to make better choices and decisions as I proceed, knowing I am human. Imperfect.

It is a humble person who can see we are all quite equal, similar and deserve to be treated as such. It is righteousness that creates war and conflict.

Therefore, My New years resolution is...
  To act and behave on my Integrity, values and compassion. To try to always do my best. To care for myself, my family, my business. Do more art and creative work. Slow down.  (more yoga) Feel. Think. To be honest and live authentically. 
                  Keep my heart open.
To be a teacher as well as the student. For my cup to never be full so full that I can receive no more,  but always allow more to come to me, naturally.

To Flow with the river and not try to push it.

To Live with intention.

To choose to love.